There has been a rash of diaries here on Daily Kos about minority issues, many dealing with gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender rights. Honestly, I'm so happy that people who don't identify as one of these minorities would be concerned with their rights. It makes me hopeful about the future and glad to be a part of this community.
In an effort to help umph some people along here, I'm presenting the sad pony guerilla girl's Guilt-free Guide to Being an Ally. As someone who's on the dominant side of several important axes of identity, on the oppressed side of a few others, and concerned with promoting equality and justice, I've tried to cobble together my experiences from around the spectrum into a simple list.
So here's some food for thought if you're straight or white or a man or Christian and want to be a good ally to gays or African Americans or women or atheists or Muslims or any other group out there. Please feel free to expand on this in the comments.
- Listen. As a someone who isn't oppressed for whatever reason, you're probably not going to get it. That's not a bad thing. In fact, if we consider being oppressed bad, then it's probably a good thing.
But what it means is that you have to be willing to shut your mouth and open your ears. This community is pretty vociferous, and that's great, but you can't understand another community's strategies or goals if you aren't willing to take in their experiences or arguments. It's the way it works.
Some of it might be hurtful. Try not to take it personally, but understand that you do benefit from not being oppressed for a certain identity, and sometimes make off with a tidy profit because of it or can get away with more than others can.
The other thing that sometimes impedes good listening is judgment. Remember that if you don't have the same experiences with oppression, some things are just going to be different enough that you'll just have to accept them.
- Internalize and analyze. Don't just listen and don't just parrot back talking points later. Remember that within every minority community, there is plenty of diversity.
This is hard, because in some ways it may seem like it contradicts step 1. But there's a time for listening and a time for thinking, and all the listening in the world isn't going to do anyone any good if the listener doesn't really try to understand, doesn't really make a good effort to mull through what they're being told.
Only by allowing yourself to be affected by others' experiences, you have to organize them in terms that you'll understand. Think about experiences you've had that can help you relate, but realize that you can't really "know" what it's like to be oppressed for a certain identity if you're not.
- Don't be afraid to be wrong. This is probably the biggest barrier to actually listening, analyzing, and internalizing other people's experiences that I've seen. Far too often, I've seen caring people who'd generally be considered "nice" close up after being told that they're wrong about one of these issues.
If you start out with a modicum of humility, you'll be fine. But remember that most "gay issues" are under constant debate in the gay community, "black issues" are under constant debate within the African American community, feminists don't all agree on every issue, etc. Join the debate in good faith if you want to, be willing to listen, and don't close up if someone tells you you're wrong. Instead, use it as a learning opportunity and be ready to try again.
- Know and use the right language. Most communities have terms that they want to be called by. Many also have more nuanced definitions of certain terms that you might think refer to everyone in that community.
Be willing to learn the right language and then use it. Accept the fact that there is some language that you can't use without causing hurt and just let it go.
Language is ephemeral enough that understanding the specific reaction a set of sounds and syllables can cause is impossible to understand for someone who doesn't understand the history and baggage each word carries.
- Confront your own privilege and the ways you perpetuate inequality. This is the hardest step, people, but it shows the deepest commitment to another group's inequality.
Do you tense up when you see a black person on the street? Do you take what men say more seriously at work than what women say? Do you see two men or two women holding hands and feel disgusted? Do you become frustrated easily if you are talking with someone who doesn't speak English as a first language?
Have you made fun of transgender people as freaks? Have you assumed that someone who looks different wasn't American? Have you ever seen a fat person, mentally roll your eyes, and think about how you might be inconvenienced? Have you ever wondered when is it going to stop when it comes to accommodating the disabled?
Well, if you have, then you're forgiven. This is my Guilt-free Guide, so it's not about the anxiety that you feel when you confront those thoughts, it's just about confronting those thoughts.
Think about not only your own reactions to oppressed groups of people, but think about how you benefit from not having those thoughts directed at you. Trust me, it's a good thing.
Understand it, accept it, and be open to learning more.
- Turn thoughts into action. This is what makes me comfortable in the Daily Kos community - the willingness of people here to turn ideals into politics, and then politics into action.
When participating in action to benefit an oppressed group, defer to the judgments of that group's leaders. More than likely they've been working on these issues since before you even became aware of them.
But put yourself on the line. Realize that you have the privilege to ignore these issues, but others don't.
- Be willing to disrupt a party to favor equality. If you do become concerned and educated about an oppressed groups goals and experiences, realize that you're going to confront people like you who know less or don't care. You're going to have to pass on the knowledge you've learned.
It's not always up to an oppressed group to make everyone aware of their experiences. Once you've been educated, you're supposed to join the army of people educating others. It's always best to let a minority group speak for itself, but there are many unique situations that only you can access.
When there's a party, metaphorically, be ready to stand on the side of the group with less power than to laugh with everyone else. These things only change if we all stand together as a group of allies, so refuse the urge to act in only your own interest.
- Don't expect a cookie. So you've made it this far! Great! This is the last congratulations you can expect to get!
If you do something great in the quest for equality, don't get frustrated if it isn't acknowledged. Don't expect everyone to throw a party. You're supposed to be furthering equality because it's the right thing to do, remember?
There isn't anything more annoying than someone who argues and works for the equality of others just for the applause. They usually get frustrated and close up if they don't get what they want, and then they're even worse than they were in the beginning.
This step also works for minorities working on other minorities' issues. Don't expect the return on that ally investment to be immediate. In fact, don't expect anything at all other than the good feeling you get for helping someone else out. Because that's probably all you're going to get, other than the goodwill that builds up from being a non-annoying, genuine, selfless ally.
This is my Guilt-free Guide, so if you're feeling attacked right now, go read it again. The movement towards full equality has enough problems as it is without adding unneeded guilt to it.
These are some principles that I try to live by, so feel free to expand on, add to, and debate with them in the comments.